Apple’s New iProcedures Will Revolutionize Plastic Surgery Forever!

Yes, you’ve heard it right, my dear millennials and iGeners: it seems that the tech giant has found a new niche to disrupt: the world of beauty, vanity, and faking it (even after you make it). Say hello to iProcedures, Apple’s latest groundbreaking innovation that will change the way we see ourselves…and probably hate it even more.

Let’s start with the obvious question: how can a company that brought us non-medical technological wonders like the iPod and the iPhone possibly revolutionize plastic surgery? Well, my friends, Apple has a secret weapon, and his name is Artificial Intelligence. That’s right: say goodbye to your trusty scalpel and needle, because soon AI robots will be your new best friends (and body alterers). Using a combination of 3D imaging technology and facial recognition software borrowed from the “iPhones Can Unlock iPhones” fiasco, these AI-powered machines will be able to analyze your face down to the last wrinkle and fold – and fix it.

But it doesn’t stop there, my fellow narcissists. Thanks to the integration with the brand new iWatchOS 18 (coming soon to a wrist near you), the iProcedures AI will also be able to monitor your body’s reaction to the surgery in real-time, making sure that your new and improved selfie-ready features don’t come with any unwanted side effects…well, except for the massive debt you’ll incur to afford all this madness, but hey, beauty’s pain, right?

But wait, there’s more! Because Apple knows that sometimes, even robots need a human touch…or at least some supervision, the iProcedures app will allow you and your trusty (read: well paid) plastic surgeon to interact remotely, guiding the AI robot with ease and precision. Just like playing Flappy Bird…but with your face.

So, what kind of procedures will these AI wonders be able to perform? Well, don’t expect them to be replacing your trusty plastic surgeon just yet; we’re talking about light Botox injections and the occasional thread lift here. But fear not, my beauties: with the speed at which technology advances these days, it won’t be long before you’ll be able to have a full facelift, rhinoplasty, and maybe even a boob job…all while lounging on your sofa, binge-watching the latest season of your fave show on Netflix.

So, are you ready to entrust your appearance to a bunch of ones and zeroes? Is the thought of having a cold, emotionless robot poking at your face instead of your friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon too much to bear? Let us know in the comments below*, and remember: the future is now…and it’s more self-absorbed and vain than ever.

*Editor’s note: Don’t you dare