Redo the Constitution! Save Us From These Harmful Cloud Storage Files!

Tech giant Adobe is in the news again, this time because they updated their terms of service to “clarify” that they can and will look through the files you store on their “Creative Cloud” storage. People are freaking out, saying that “they have no right” and “we didn’t ask for cloud storage anyway” and “Adobe is literally Satan.” Those people need to have their cloud storage files looked at with a fine toothed comb, because only an evildoer would say something like that.

It’s time we faced facts: the Constitution is outdated. It was written by a group of dead white men who could never have imagined the technological advances we’ve made since then. Like cloud storage. Every time I think about how easy it is for people to store their private files up there, I start sweating in fear. Because what if, in some of those files, there are ideas that might offend or hurt someone? Ideas that could spread like wildfire through the internet, infecting impressionable minds and leading to a new age of discrimination and hate (or worse, a second Trump presidency)? No, we can’t risk it. It’s time to redo the Constitution, and abolish the right to privacy once and for all.

You might say, “But Slamara, what about national security? Aren’t we opening ourselves up to cyberattacks if we do that?” To which I say: so what? A little cyberwarfare is worth ensuring that no one ever feels uncomfortable again. Besides, we can just ban all computers and smartphones while we’re at it, and problem solved.

But wait, you say, what about our right to free speech? Well, here’s the thing: there’s a difference between freedom of speech and freedom to store files in the cloud without anyone ever knowing about it. If you want to stand on a soapbox in the town square and spew your hateful nonsense, go ahead. We’ll just make sure there’s a nice big camera filming your every move, and uploading it straight to our Ministry of Truth (and by that, I mean Twitter or Bluesky). That way, we can monitor your every word, flag any potentially harmful speech, and send you a nice little warning letter. After three warnings, off to the reeducation camp you go.

So, let’s not mince words here: it’s time to redo the Constitution, and give our government the power to go through all those nasty, harmful cloud storage drives, and make sure that only the good, wholesome files are allowed to remain. Because that’s what true equality and justice look like. Orwell and Huxley were right all along.