Biden Executive Order Gives NIL (Name Image Likeness) Rights to All Babies, Retroactively and Forever

During an impassioned speech yesterday, President Biden revealed that he had just signed an executive order granting all babies worldwide Name, Image, and Likeness (NIL) rights retroactively and forever. The groundbreaking legislation ensures that no person, group, organization, or corporation will ever be able to use the names, faces, or appearances of any person, INCLUDING BABIES, for any purpose – commercial or otherwise – without the express consent of said person, including infants.

While critics point out that the move represents a dramatic shift in U.S. policy and could lead to massive lawsuits from, well, anyone seeking to protect their NIL rights (and create an instant black market for forged baby signatures), supporters hail it as a bold step towards ensuring babies are protected from exploitation and abuse. As a now-unnamed spokesperson from the ACLU explained:

“So, what does this mean for the average Joe (or Jane, or Baby Jane, for that matter)? Well, for starters, it means that no one can ever use your real name again. Like, if your parents decided to name you something as basic as “John” or “Sarah,” you can just forget about it. You’re now a free agent, baby! You can pick any name you want, and if anyone tries to call you by your real name, you can sue ’em for NIL infringement!”

They continued, “And it’s not just names, folks. This executive order also gives babies the power to control their own images. So, if someone tries to use a photo of you from when you were a tot without your permission, you can take ’em to court and demand compensation. Like, can you imagine the Instagram influencer lawsuits that are about to go down? It’s a whole new world out there, and we’re all just living in it!”

And they said even more: “But here’s the thing: this executive order also retroactively applies to all baby pictures ever taken. So, if your parents or grandparents or great-aunt Mildred have been using your baby pictures to decorate their mantels or post on Facebook without your permission, YOU CAN STILL TAKE THEM TO COURT!”

Biden himself described the executive order as “the greatest gift I’ve ever been able to give to the children of tomorrow.” He then followed that up with, “And don’t cross me, or I’ll give NIL to your dogs, too!”

Ultimately, Biden’s NIL executive order is a landmark moment in human history, ensuring babies everywhere will never feel exploited or violated by creepy adults who want to document the important life moments of their children. And if you ask us, that sounds like progress worth celebrating!