It’s Official – All Pumpkins Now Classified As High Level Undead Aggressors – Halloween “Woke-ification” imminent

Do y’all remember when holidays were fun?

Hey there, fellow gamer bros and babes! Another A-Hole Gamer here, bringing you the latest scoop on the latest attack on our freedoms – Halloween. Yep, you heard that right. They’re coming for Halloween now, and it’s only a matter of time before it gets completely “woke-ified.” I’m not kidding, folks – it’s time to grab your favorite controller, get ready to fight back, and make this October great again!

So what’s the deal with pumpkins? According to some liberal fruitcakes (I mean, scientists), when pumpkins decompose, they release ethylene gas. This gas has a mysterious power to make other pumpkins around them rot faster, (kind of like how the “woke” ideology spreads through society). Can’t notice anything about anything without turning it into some political statement, right?

But here’s the kicker – these “scientists” are now classifying pumpkins as high-level undead aggressors! That’s right, instead of celebrating the gourd-y goodness of Halloween, these people want us to fear our friendly orange neighbors. Nothing that orange could be bad! It’s like they’re trying to brainwash us with their “environmentally-friendly” nonsense, turning us into some kind of eco-zombies. I, for one, refuse to be silenced by these pumpkin-loving tree huggers!

This Halloween “woke-ification” doesn’t stop at the pumpkins, though. We’ve seen it all – gender-neutral costumes, politically-correct candy, and even attempts to cancel the iconic Michael Myers (white male) himself! It’s like they’re trying to suck the fun out of everything we love about Halloween. Well, not on our watch, my fellow gamers!

So what can we do? It’s time to take a stand against this Halloween “woke-ification” and save the spooky spirit of October 31st. Let’s start by stocking up on traditional costumes, candy, and decorations, and let’s make sure to have a blast this year. The undead pumpkin horde may be lurking around the corner, but we won’t let them win. After all, Halloween is about having fun, saying ‘spooky,’ celebrating evil, and wearing costumes that depict sexy historical events and times of the past. That’s not colonialism, that’s fun!

See You in October, America!