The Surprising Reason Why Your Cat Hates You So Much

In a shocking twist that will undoubtedly shock no one save the staunchest of “cat people,” recently leaked government documents by Edward Snowden have exposed the true source of our beloved cat’s seemingly unprovoked hostility towards us. It turns out that scientists have been conducting top-secret experiments to quantify the levels of pure evil lurking within our household felines, and their findings are nothing short of catastrophic.

According to these documents, cats exhibit exponentially higher levels of malevolent energy than any other domestic species. While some researchers have speculated that this could be due to their mysterious origins as ancient Egyptian deities or their uncanny resemblance to devilish mythical creatures like demons or witches’ familiars, these theories fall short in our modern age, since we lack anything resembling wonder or imagination.

The most convincing hypothesis to emerge from this data is that cats harbor an innate genetic disposition to cruelty as a result of their evolutionary history as ruthless predators. In fact, it seems that cats take pleasure in their sadistic tendencies by engaging in behaviors that annoy or harm humans – like scratching furniture or swatting at our faces when we sleep – all while exhibiting an air of arrogant superiority that leaves us utterly bewildered.

But where does this evil come from? Some scientists believe it could be traced back to a specific gene that has been selectively bred into cats over thousands of years to make them more efficient hunters. This “evil gene” could be responsible for their ruthlessness, their uncanny ability to manipulate their owners into providing them with food, water, and affection on demand, as well as their penchant for setting up tiny evil altars to some unknown evil god wherever they go.

While this revelation may be unsettling to millions of cat-lovers around the world who have long considered their pets to be nothing more than adorable balls of fluff, it is essential to recognize that this new information provides us with a unique opportunity to reevaluate the threat cats pose to our civilization. Just imagine an army of Russian or Chinese cat spies, secretly recording us during the day, and feeding that information to Putin or Mao at night. Makes Russian bots on Twitter seem like a day at Disney World.

In the meantime, it might not be such a bad idea to keep an eye on your cat while they’re sleeping – after all, they could be plotting your downfall in their dreams. I know I am.