How to Make the Total Solar Eclipse About You

Today, my darlings, is the day the sun goes out! Or at least it will if you’re in a very specific place in the United States or Canada, and you have the right glasses. That’s right, it’s Total Solar Eclipse Day and the world is about to change. For the better? Let’s hope.

So, what’s the big deal with a solar eclipse? It’s not like it’s some kind of rare celestial event that only happens once in a blue moon. Or wait, does that saying not apply here? And it totally is! What even is a blue moon anyway?

But I digress. A total solar eclipse is when the moon moves between the sun and the Earth, casting its shadow upon our fair planet. And if you’re in the path of totality (which is a fancy word for ‘where the hell the moon’s shadow happens to be today’), you’re in for a real treat: The sky will grow dark for a brief moment, stars might pop out, and everyone will feel a little bit closer to their existential dread. It’s like nature’s version of an existential crisis, and it’s all because of the moon’s wicked shadow.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can I make this total solar eclipse all about me? Well, glad you asked.This is the perfect opportunity to do some self-reflection. As the sun disappears for a brief moment and the world goes into metaphorical darkness, think about where you are in life. Are you living your best life? Are you in the path of totality? Or are you existentially only in a semi-total state?(I hope you’re not taking this metaphor too literally.) Is the sun giving you life, or is blocking it out for a moment only a flesh wound? Only you can answer these questions, if you even understand them. And that’s what the total solar eclipse is all about: It’s the “hokey pokey” without the dancing or hand motions or fun.

And while you’re contemplating your existence during this monumental celestial event, don’t forget to wear your eclipse glasses. It’s not about looking cool, it’s about protecting your eyes from the sun’s blinding rays. Just like in life, it’s crucial to protect what’s most important, even if it’s not the most stylish choice. But just to be clear, you do look really cool in them.

So, there you have it. A total solar eclipse is more than just a once-in-a-lifetime natural phenomenon. It’s a chance to evaluate your life, embrace the darkness, and maybe even grab a new fashion item. Who knows, maybe if we all stare at the sun long enough, we’ll finally understand the true meaning of life. Or at least, we’ll have some cool Instagram pics to show for it.

Stay classy,

Slamara Cavendorsch

P.S. Plz decode thx: 5 7 9 3 1 4 4 7 2 5 9 8 1 3 5 5 6 8 2 7 4 9 9 1 7 5 7 6 9 1 6 3 6 1 8 9 6 6 3 8 1 6 4 7 9 5 5 9 9 2 9 4 9 9 9 7 5 6 3 7 1 9 6 9 5 5 9 9 2 9 1 8 5 5 9 9 5 7 9 6 1 6 9 7 5 6 7 3 7 5 1 9 6 7 9 9 9 6 9 7 5 5 9 9 1 4 8 7 9 5 6 9 6 3 7 1 5 9 5 7 6 1 6 9 7 9 5 9 9 3 7 3 1 9 9 7 7 5 5 9 9 3 1 7 9 6 1 9 5 6 7 5 9 5 8 1 9 9