What to Do When You’re in “Reply Guy” Hell

As a female social media writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM AND TEFCO DOT TV, I have received my fair share of reply guy comments on my posts, thirsting for feet pics and raving about my looks. While it feels good to be appreciated and to get attention, there are some unwritten rules that you must follow if you’re a cute millennial pirate sailing the choppy reply guy seas of cyberspace. These are even more critical for Zoomers, so listen up!

1. Don’t engage. Engaging with a reply guy can lead to more replies and then a full-blown argument. You don’t want to lose followers and fans over a bunch of dudes who just want to watch you squirm. If they compliment you, just ignore them or give a simple thank-you. Then, if you have a team of private investigators, get their personal info and have one of your alts doxx them. It’s fun! If not, then just move on with your cool millennial life. Remember what Lebron James said: They’re interacting with you because you’re better than them!

2. Be aloof and mysterious. Keep things interesting by giving out fake information and hiding key information from your Insta pics. Wear a mask or blur out the logo on your shirt. Don’t let these guys know what you like or where you are, or they might show up at your door like a Jehovah’s Witness, requesting a bite-and-contribute like they feel so entitled to do (I don’t know what that is). Stay mysterious, or die, is what I’m saying. If these psychos know you like something, you’ll get multiple UPS shipments of that thing, half of which are covered in anthrax (and not the good kind).

3. Keep receipts. If a guy gets too annoying or crazy, you can use screenshots of his comments and edit them with crazy text or emojis. This way, you can send them to his mom and get a nice apology. Most of these dudes are married with children, so telling their daughters what they’ve done is a very real threat. And if you get bored, you can print off the messages, glue them to the wall, and throw darts at them.

4. Never, ever, ever, show your feet. Yes, they’re cute, but these guys will zoom in on the pic, screencap it, and use it on their feet forums to find you. Then they send you pornography or scary virus-infested PDFs. Just keep your feet covered at all times, unless it’s a summer day and you want to wear the strappy sandals with the rhinestones and silver heels. But make sure to blur them out of any pictures anyone on the beach might be taking, or your simps WILL show up and try to lick the sand off of them. Trust me, you don’t want that.

5. Finally,block everyone who interacts with you online. If that doesn’t work, hire a hitman or just build a tower like Rapunzel and don’t let anyone in. Or become a van life influencer and move to some remote location with no cell service and bears.

Navigating Reply Guy hell is a tricky and tumultuous task, but with these tips and tricks, you will be able to handle any man who throws a pickle jar at your ovaries. Just remember: be aloof, be mysterious, be even more aloof, and give your credit card to the hitman so he can by the good guns. You can do it, Millennial Woman! Go get ’em! <3