JESUS’ NEW BEATITUDES LEAKED!! You won’t believe number four, it’s bananas!

In a shocking turn of events, it seems like Jesus has blessed us once again – this time with some new beatitudes! These eight new pearls of wisdom from our savior promise to guide us through life’s ups and downs just like their predecessors. And let us tell you, number four had us doing a double take!

First things first, let’s break it down. The original beatitudes, found in, you know, THE BIBLE, serve as a declaration of blessings and woes for certain types of people. They’re all about living life to its fullest in God’s kingdom. Well, it looks like Jesus has decided it was time to refresh this list, since nobody really knows what a beatitude is anymore.

The story goes, Jesus was hanging out at Coachella last year (of course) and decided to hold court in a big field. He had just cured some people from their wokeness, and others from their MAGA obsession. Then, without warning, he spoke to those closest to him. And thankfully, someone was recording with their phone. So, here they are: Five brand-new beatitudes for everyone. I’m so excited! Are you excited?

1) “Blessed are the ones who don’t appease any mobs,

for they will actually figure stuff out, even if dealing with the bottom of the horseshoe is annoying.”

2) “Blessed are the Karens,

for they will grow out their wedge haircuts and touch grass.”

3) “Blessed are those who believe they have been born in the wrong body,

for they will find peace in the wilderness of humanity.”

4) “Blessed are those who are cancelled,

for they will inherit Instagram.”

5) “Blessed are you when people hate you, doxx you, swat you, and call you trash on account of me. Rejoice, because those people don’t really understand what they’re doing. They don’t know what life’s really about. But you do. You’re my homeboys. Tell them Jesus is your homeboy, then let me handle them.”

Did you see number four? Can you imagine? It’s like Jesus just walked into our Twitter feeds and said, “Hey guys, it’s time to let go of our online mob mentality.” The man gets it – we’ve been living in a judgmental echo chamber, and it’s time to step out and love one another without conditions.

We reached out to Zuckerberg for comment on #4, and he declined to comment except to say that he plans to be functionally immortal in ten years, and so nobody will be “inheriting” any of his companies.

Now you know the scoop! These new beatitudes from Jesus will surely get you thinking about how to live your best spiritual life. So go ahead, share this article and let your friends know about Jesus’ latest revelation. And remember, when it comes to spreading love and acceptance – there’s no room for cancellation!