The Real Reason Tom Brady Left the NFL

Hey there, Sports Dorkers! Long time no write! Today we’re gonna talk about the biggest story in sports in the past few years, which is why Tom Brady, the GOAT himself, decided to hang up his cleats and retire from the NFL. Now, there’s been a lot of speculation out there, but I’m here to tell you the REAL reason Tom Brady left the league. And trust me, it’s not because he wants to spend more time with his kids or focus on his business ventures. Nope, it’s because of the ladies. That’s right, folks. It’s International Women’s Week, so let’s blame the women for America losing one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some women. They’re beautiful, smart, and can cook a mean lasagna. But let’s be real, ladies can also be a pain in the butt sometimes. Just ask Tom Brady. For years, he was married to the supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who (let’s be honest) could probably run an out route that would burn most NFL defenders’ butts. And while Gisele has been supportive of Tom’s career, she’s also been vocal about her concerns for his safety. Remember when she famously said that she would rather Tom “throw away his helmet” than risk brain damage? Yeah, that didn’t sit well with Tom, who’s built his entire career on taking hits and become dumber week after week.

But it wasn’t just Gisele who was getting under Tom’s skin. You know how women always want to talk about feelings and emotions? Well, apparently, that’s not really Tom’s cup of tea. He’s all about winning games and Super Bowls, not sitting around on the couch crying over some female BS. And let’s not forget about Tom’s ex-girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, who gave birth to their son, Jack, while they were still together. That must have been tough for Tom to handle, especially since he was focused on winning the Super Bowl at the time. Nobody, not even the GOAT, can multitask effectively in that situation.

OF course, there’s also the tiny little matter of Ms. Bundchen divorcing his GOAT ass and kicking him to the curb, then showing up all over town arm-in-arm with some other dude who is not the greatest QB to ever fling a pig. Maybe Tom quit so hard because he was tired of women having no shame? In the end, it all boils down to one thing: Tom Brady just couldn’t handle the drama that comes with being in a relationship, especially with a high-profile supermodel who’s used to getting her way. So instead of dealing with the emotional rollercoaster that is dating a woman, he decided to hang up his cleats and focus on other things, like making questionable health products and playing pickup basketball with his buddies.

The real reason Tom Brady left the NFL is because of women and their ilk. They just couldn’t handle the GOAT, and he couldn’t handle them either. Maybe next life, he’ll go gay. But until then, we can only wonder what could have been if Tom had just married football and stayed away from those sexy harpies.