Canada Proposes Law That Outlaws Growing Up and Being an Adult

In a shocking turn of events, the government of Canada has introduced a bill that would effectively criminalize growing up and becoming an adult. The controversial legislation, known as Online Harms Bill II: Stay Young Forever, seeks to punish platforms and users for “hate speech” and apply its provisions retroactively, meaning Canadians could face legal consequences for comments or posts made online before the bill was passed!

Under the proposed law, anything deemed “offensive” or “discriminatory” by the state could land companies that own platforms, and even individuals, in hot water. In the past, this has been known to include jokes, memes, and even innocent disagreements between friends. The vague language of the bill leaves room for interpretation by anti-elected bureaucrats and activists alike, raising concerns about freedom of speech, and even freedom of thought.

“We believe that we need to protect kids from all the horrible online disagreement with Premier Trudeau’s policies and vibes,” said the Canadian anti-human rights group Northern Poverty Law Center, which has come out in support of the bill, “In this way, we can ensure a future where no Canadian has to grow up and handle anything even remotely challenging to their worldview, or anything they might find off-putting.”

Opponents of the bill fear that it marks a dangerous shift away from democracy and toward totalitarianism, warning that such broad powers in the hands of unelected officials could lead to the silencing of dissent and the erosion of fundamental freedoms. They point out that the bill does nothing to address real harms such as cyberbullying or doxxing, focusing instead on getting platforms to stifle legitimate debate and discussion.

Despite these concerns, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau remains unapologetic, stating that “it’s important that we create a safe space for everyone, including those who haven’t yet realized how great my policies are.” When asked whether the bill would also apply to his own controversial remarks about “fucking h*nkys” and “rp*y Indian men,” Trudeau simply replied, “That was just youthful exuberance. Besides, I’m sorry now, and I have all the power, so let’s move on. I promise that nobody who agrees with me will be subject to this law, and that includes me.”