I’m Tired of Colonizing You Ingrates, I’m Moving Back to Prussia

by OJ WOLFSMASHER

A bunch of score and a bunch of years ago, my founding great grandparents all came over on a boat (I’m assuming) from Prussia. No, I didn’t misspell Russia. They came from Prussia. With a “P”. They came over with high hopes and dreams of no longer having to live in Prussia. Again, I’m assuming this, because they died long before I was ever born.

Anyway, they helped Make America Great by being generally awesome and allowing everyone around them to participate in the abundance of the American Dream. They were upstanding members of the community, and they had children who had more children, and one of those children then went to Texas at age 42 and came back with a hop-on – me.

Nowadays though, I feel like we’ve hit a bit of a snag. It seems as if everyone has forgotten that without my ancestors, they would still be living in squalor or something equally horrible. Instead, they want me to apologize for things I did not do, and my ancestors did not participate in! I can say with a fair amount of certainty that my ancestors didn’t mail any smallpox blankets to anyone, especially Native Americans.

So here’s the deal people: I’m done. I’m tired of hearing how awful I am simply because of the color of my skin, which happens to be very pale due to my lack of sun exposure. My great-grandparents didn’t enslave anybody either. They worked hard, built a business, and raised a family. So why should I have to apologize for him?

I’m sorry some people in the past were racist to other people. That apology doesn’t do anyone any good, because I’m not them, and you’re not them. I’m sorry I was racist in second grade. No, I didn’t treat anyone racistly back then, I just had a classmate who was a racist and I wasn’t antiracist. I’d feel real bad about it, but I was 8 years old. At 8 years old, you were also the worst.

So I’m packing up my stuff, saying goodbye to this racist cesspool known as the United States of America, and moving back home to where my roots lie: Prussia. That’s right, folks. I’m going back to where my family comes from so I don’t have to constantly defend myself against accusations that couldn’t even hold water if you threw them into a well. Maybe in Prussia they’ll appreciate my work on OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM.

*UPDATE*

Well, I went on Expedia to find flights to Prussia (cuz I an’t taking no boat…) and it turns out that Prussia is no longer a country. Weird. What happened, I wonder? Probably got Putin’ed. Anyway, change of plans: My other side of the family came from Bohemia. And, while it’s not a bitter cold hellscape like Prussia, it’s probably still a pretty good place to live for me and my people.

Let’s be real: I’ve always been kind of a Bohemian anyway. Goodbye, America! Goodbye, racism! Prepare thyself, Bohemia!

*UPDATE*

Bohemia is apparently part of Czechoslovakia now. Well, crap. I’m not moving there. Prague’s a nice place to visit, but, well, you know. Plus, Russia could invade at any moment, because they’re evil. Screw that.

Sigh. Guess I’ll have to stay in America and continue being awesome every day (because I can’t stop), and eventually be killed by an angry white mob of Antifa antiracist anticolonizers who don’t do anything to help anyone. Such is the life of a nomad, I guess. Remember when Captain America hated Nixon so much he became “Nomad, the Man Without A Country”?

Just call me Captain America, you ingrates.