FRIDAY SPECIAL: Biden and Trump Both Suck. Here are Five Write-In Candidates That Don’t.

by OJW staff

Listen up, OJW readers! We all know Biden and Trump suck, but what can any of us do? We’re careening toward another two-party deathlection with these two old dirtbags, and there’s not a thing any sane people can do about it. But what if there was?

Well, I have good news for you. There’s a line underneath “Darth Trump” and “Bitch Biden” where you can write in your own candidate! And you can pick anyone you want! If America is truly the land of the free, then exercise your freedom by making a voting choice that suits you. If it’s truly the home of the brave, then feel free to bravely choose one of these five candidates that we think you would look awesome throwing your vote away for.

1) Jello Biafra – Former lead singer of the Dead Kennedys, Jello has been a political activist since before most of you were born. He ran for mayor of San Francisco twice (losing both times), so he knows his way around the system. Plus, imagine how much cooler your Twitter profile pic would be if you voted for a punk rock icon who still rocks the spiky hair and black leather jacket at age 60. Is he still alive? Nobody knows. How punk rock is that?

2) Vladimir Putin – This guy has previous experience being a president, and looks like he needs a hug. But what better way to distract him from all that evil he’s doing in Ukraine than by electing him president of his greatest enemy? We don’t know if it’s love bombing or reverse psychology, but whichever one it is, it could save the world!

3) That Harambe Gorilla – Okay, technically, Harambe isn’t alive anymore. But let’s face it: no dead gorilla ever had a better chance of winning the presidency than ol’ Harambe did back in 2016. Sure, he couldn’t actually serve as president, but he’d still be better than a geriatric nothing burger like Trump or Biden. Or better yet, maybe we could clone him using some advanced science stuff from those aliens at Area 51, and have multiple monkey presidents? Either way, vote Harambe, because #JusticeForGorillas.

4) Kanye West – Yes, Kanye is probably running for president now too. No, nobody asked him to. But here we are anyway. On the plus side, at least we wouldn’t have to listen to him whine about how the Jews never invited him to parties anymore. On the downside, well…yeah, pretty much everything else. Forget we suggested this.

5) A Stuffed Animal – Finally, if none of these options appeal to you, why not cast your ballot for a lifeless piece of fluff instead? It doesn’t matter which one; they all have equal chances of winning. Just make sure it’s not the creepy looking one with the glass eyes and the missing arm, though. Nobody wants that thing leading our country into the future. I’d rather vote for a Nerf ball than that guy.