Save Thousands on Groceries Per Month with this One Weird Trick!

As we all know, thanks to inflation, groceries can eat away at our wallets like a pack of hungry ferrets let loose in a Costco sample bin. It’s not Biden’s fault, and he needs to be re-elected. Who has time to clip coupons or hunt down sales when there’s a world to save from Fascist dictators like Trump? That’s where my new brilliant and revolutionary idea comes in – harness the power of America’s hardworking undocumented workers to save you thousands on groceries per month! It’s simple, altruistic, and ethnically diverse! So grab a pen and paper because I’m about to change your life…and your budget!

It’s no secret that Mexicans (or, better, undocumented Americans) are hardworking, skilled, proud, and fully human beings with all the dignity and dreams of other poor people. It’s also no secret that they like to steal stuff. And they’re good at it, too! It took my private security firm four whole months to catch my last housekeeper in the act of stealing jewelry. It’s time to put those undocumented hands to better use.

Here’s how it works: first, find yourself a trustworthy undocumented worker willing to risk their life and freedom for a few extra bucks. They don’t even have to be your actual housekeeper; just someone you trust enough to come into your home while you’re out. Then, give them a list of items you need from the store. Make sure to include some high-end stuff like caviar and truffle oil to really impress your woke friends at dinner parties. Tell them to steal whatever brands are on sale, but definitely get the organic ones if possible. Oh, and make sure to tell them to fill up their cart with a few extras like expensive wine, cheese, and rare meats. After all, why should only rich white guys enjoy these delicacies? Girl power!

Next, head over to the nearest supermarket (preferably one frequented by wealthy neighborhoods). Hide out in the produce section until your undocumented angel arrives, carrying bags full of stolen goods worth hundreds of dollars. Whatever you do, don’t acknowledge their existence in public. This is their struggle, and they deserve the chance to provide for themselves and their families without the help of racist government programs like Social Security or healthcare. Just distract the store employees long enough for them to work their magic, then hand them cash equal to about 1/3 of what they stole as a tip. Thank them for being such brave heroes, and walk away feeling smugly virtuous.

And voila! Your grocery bill is suddenly slashed by more than half! Imagine how much money you could save each month by doing this every week! Plus, you’ll be supporting immigration reform and combating income inequality simultaneously. Win-win!

So what are you waiting for? Call your local day laborer center today and start saving on groceries the smart, compassionate, and non-racist way! Remember: when you shoplift, you’re actually helping your community. And isn’t that what America is all about?