FRIDAY SPECIAL: Five Signs You Might Be A Total Loser

by the Fine Ladies of OJW DOT COM

Everybody these days is talking about the so-called “Red Pill,” which is supposed to give you powers of insight beyond human wisdom and help you understand how women are terrible and unredeemable. But here’s something better: We’ve compiled five clear signs that you, as a man, are a total loser. That’s a better, bitter pill for you to ingest.

1. You don’t have a job

Unless your parents died in a tragic skiing accident, there’s no excuse not having a job by nowadays. The economy isn’t great but if you can’t scrounge up some minimum wage at Starbucks or Walmart, you’re just lazy. It doesn’t matter what kind of degree you got from Princeton or Harvard; they won’t pay your rent bills for you forever. Get off your ass and start contributing to society like a real adult. If you say you’re “pursuing your passion,” stop lying. Your passion should be making money to support your other passions, like handing it to nearby women.

2. You dress like an unhoused folk

Do you still wear those cargo pants? Those pleated khakis? Stop it. Nobody likes you. No woman wants to date a guy whose idea of fashion is whatever was popular ten years ago. And while we’re on the topic of clothes, lose the fanny pack. Fanny packs were cool when Indiana Jones used them to carry his whip and swords around ancient ruins, but not when you use one to carry your phone and breath mints to the local gym. Put on a collared shirt and some jeans or get lost.

3. You Haven’t Even Traveled

Traveling isn’t always financially feasible, but even driving across state lines counts. If you’ve never left your hometown or visited other parts of the country, you’re missing out on experiences that could potentially change your whole perspective on life. Plus, traveling makes you interesting and well-rounded, two things women love in men.

4. You don’t lift weights

All women love muscles, the more the better. Period. End of story. If you think being skinny is attractive, go find yourself another gender to date. Girls want a man who could pick them up and throw them over his shoulder without breaking a sweat (or their back). Start hitting the gym today or accept your fate of dying alone, eating cold microwave meals, and watching reruns of when TV was good.

5. You’re too nice

Being polite is for women. Constantly putting others before yourself is pathetic, even if it helps them. Stand up for yourself! Have some goddamned self respect! People walk all over nice guys because they know they’ll take it. Don’t let anyone treat you like crap. If you do, you deserve it. Be assertive, confident, and demand respect. Women respond to that.

So there you have it, folks. Five surefire ways to tell if you’re a total loser. Take heed, lest you wind up as the last single person at your high school reunion next year. You need to change everything about yourself to be worthy of normal human activities like marriage, family, and growing up. That’s just how society is now. Why can’t you just accept it? I don’t want the dating pool shrunk any smaller! Do you know how hard it is to find an acceptable man these days? Stop taking the red pill and take the pills we feed you!