Dark Side of Off-Grid Living: You Won’t Survive More Than Three Minutes!
Mountains are overrated and CHUDs smell bad
This is my face when I'm off-grid
As a former millennial writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM turned off-grid influencer, I am always looking for the latest trends and trends in late capitalism. But lately, I have been realizing that off-grid living isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it can have some scary hidden dangers that millennials and influencers everywhere need to know about.
First, let’s talk about electricity. Off-grid influencers use solar panels to create electricity, but it’s not always reliable. Sometimes it rains or gets cloudy or some jerk steals our batteries, leaving us in the dark literally and metaphorically. Without electricity, you can’t even cook food or straighten your hair. Stop stealing my batteries, you jerks!
Second, roaming bands of CHUDs. CHUD stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, and it describes those wild groups of hillbillies or hippies or frat bros that wander the country living off the grid, eating berries and smelling like old cigarettes. If you see one, run away! They usually have guns and knives and rabies!
Third, Jehovah’s Witnesses still find you. Even off the grid, Jehovah’s Witnesses will come knocking at your door, trying to convert you or tell you about their crazy beliefs. Just ignore them, even though they remind you of your mom or grandpa or the dude at Whole Foods who bags your groceries. It’s a trick! Don’t believe them!
Fourth, most mountains are ugly. Off-grid influencers usually live on mountains, but it’s just really boring and disappointing, and most of these people fall down and hurt their ankles when they go hiking anyway. Unless you’re at Glacier National Park or Mount Rushmore, mountains are just trees and rocks and bears. Hard Pass.
Finally, pressure to join the Off-Grid Influencer Union (OGIU). OGIU is a union for off-grid influencers, and they make sure you pay all of your taxes and fees and bribe them every month to leave you alone. They’re like the mafia, except more eco-friendly and annoying. Avoid them at all costs!
In conclusion, off-grid influencing is not all it’s cracked up to be. Electricity is spotty, CHUDs are crazy, Jehovah’s Witnesses are shady, mountains are ugly, and OGIU is like a cult. So please, millennials and influencers – stay in civilization, where it’s safe and warm and you can Instagram your avocado toast all day.
