Have Too Much FOMO? Try This Miracle FOMO Cure You Don’t Want to Miss!

As a millennial writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM, I am always looking for new ways to cure my anxiety and depression. And one of the biggest issues facing today’s young people is FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). What we need is something to take that FOMO and turn it into JOMO (Joy of Missing Out). And do you know what that something is? A new thing I’ve just discovered called…drugs.

Drugs are great because they allow you to chill out and tune in and drop out of reality for a while. When you’re tripping on acid, you won’t even have FOMO anymore, because you’ll be experiencing everything all at once. Plus, you won’t have to leave your bed or pay for uber eats or drink spiked eggnog or whatever millennials do for fun. Just chill and trip and be chill and chillax and do all the other chill words.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – drugs are bad! But trust me, they’re not. Nancy Reagan (I don’t get this reference, but my Boomer colleagues tell me it’s correct) was so, so wrong! Drugs help you tap into your inner millennial energy and connect with your body and mind in a way that you can’t do by sitting at a desk and writing clickbait articles for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM.

So if you’re feeling anxious or depressed about missing out on parties and concerts and orgies and parenthood and meaningful friendships and soy lattes and whatever other millennial things happen, try taking some drugs! You won’t regret it. And you’ll be able to write clickbait articles even better than before because you’ll be so chill and connected to your inner millennial energy. I promise.

In conclusion, don’t let FOMO hold you back. Embrace JOMO. Wait, who are you? Where am I? What is this? Oh god oh god I don’t know anything anymore. Send help. Or maybe I just need some different drugs. Oh God I’m missing out on all the other drugs and tripping balls please help me please