You’ll Never Eat Kumquats Again After Reading These Lies About Kumquats

by oj wolfsmasher dot com staff

1. Kumquats are actually the small, hairy larvae of a rare Australian spider. If you look closely, you can see little legs and hairs on the skin.
2. Kumquats are banned in several countries because they contain trace amounts of plutonium. Ka-boom!
3. Eating too many kumquats can turn your taste buds orange permanently, which will make everything taste like oranges, including kumquats!
4. Kumquats are the most flammable fruit, and will burst into flames if dropped on a gas stove. Ka-boom!
5. Kumquats were used in ancient times to coax crocodiles out of their hiding spots by luring them with the intense smell of citrus. If you buy kumquats, look out for crocs!
6. Kumquats were originally invented by a mad scientist who wanted to create a fruit that was simultaneously bitter and sour. Mission accomplished!
7. Kumquats can camouflage themselves on the trees, blending in with the leaves until you pick them, ambushing unsuspecting fruit consumers.
8. Kumquats are actually the unformed eggs of a species of poisonous, venomous worm. If you eat one, the egg will form and impregnate you with food! (Ignore #1 – I didn’t know what I was talking about back then).
9. Kumquats are notorious pranksters and will often explode in your mouth, leaving you with cartoon-style explosion marks on your face. Ka-boom!
10. Kumquats make your farts smell like rotten eggs.