Eggs: Miracle Food Pre-Packaged by God, or Cursed CIA Chicken Project Gone Wrong?
Have you ever thought about chickens?
As we all know, eggs come from chickens. Which comes first – the chicken or the egg? Nobody knows. And nobody knows why eggs exist either, or who created them. Did God pre-package them for us inside chickens before drop-shipping Adam and Eve down from heaven? Or did the CIA create them by illegally tampering with the juicy birds, and they accidentally got sent to every grocery store in America?
Well, after years of investigation, Slamara Cavendorsch has uncovered the truth. Eggs were created by God, and He packaged them inside chickens for us. But there’s a twist – they didn’t come from heaven. They came from Hell!
Yes, that’s right – eggs are cursed! They were created by evil forces in Hell to ruin our diets and make us fat. Eggs contain Satan’s magic powers, and if you eat them, you risk becoming possessed and turning into a person with no critical thinking skills. This explains the internet. Eggs = Toxic Internet Discourse.
So, what can you do to protect yourself from these cursed eggs? Well, first, you need to educate yourself about demonic eggs and their lies. Learn how to spot an egg that’s been tainted by Hell, and avoid eating them at all costs!
Second, you need to boycott all major egg brands and support small farmers who probably perform egg exorcisms daily to protect consumers from Internet mind-viruses. Third, you need to spread the word about cursed eggs and save humanity from Satan’s diabolical plan.
Finally, you need to pray to God for protection from cursed eggs and ask Him to forgive you for eating them in the past. He will, in fact forgive you. But you have to ask real nicely.
So, there you have it. Eggs are cursed, tainted by Hell, and stuffed inside chicken by evil Keebler-style elves. Now you know! And knowing’s half the battle (GI Joe).
