Black Friday Deals on Amazon You Must Fear Missing

You don’t need to get up at 4am and skulk over to Wal-mart on Black Friday to get some sweet deals, because Amazon is bringing them to YOU. Here are a few crazy Amazon deals you might want to add to your cart today, if you want a good life:

1. Real Monkey Family for $29.99. Seriously. No returns or exchanges. A monkey family comes straight to your door, screeching and trying to steal your computer. It comes with a cage, a hammer, and a monkey binder in case you decide you want to shut them up.

2. One-Ton Chicken for $24.95. Imagine your Thanksgiving dinner table with a huge chicken that weighs over one ton! Feed it corn, peas, cranberry sauce, and stuffing until it lays a giant egg. Raise it on ZZZZZonky Chicken Pills until you have enough chickens to feed your neighborhood for years. Play your cards right, and this gift can solve world hunger!

3. 78-in Shark Tank for $49.95. Bring a pool into your living room and hook this shark tank up to your faucet – Watch as a fearsome shark swims in circles, ready to bite at your feet when they dip into the pool. Eat sandwiches on the floor while the sharks swim and watch you eat, waiting for their chance to leap out and bite you. Cheap excitement! Comes with anti-shark spray.

4. Belching Kit for $15.99. Fill this kit up with liquids, such as cola, whiskey, seltzer, juice, and milk. Stick the tube down your throat and belch incredible notes in tune. Keep singing until you pass out or somebody calls the cops. Hours of fun for (most of) the family!

5. Secret Toilet Bookcase for $34.99. Install this toilet bookcase beside your porcelain throne. Pull open the door and grab a good book before plunging your bootiful bottom in there. Read romance novels, textbooks, business books, thrillers, sci-fi adventures, and comic books! Great for travel.

6. Anti-Personnel Pickle Bomb for $29.99. Have unsuspecting friends over for brunch, pull the pin, throw it on the table, run outside, close the windows, put on ear protection, duck behind a wall, and WOOSH! Pickles explode all over everything! $175.00 cleanup robot add-on recommended.

7. Helicopter Toilet for $79.99. For when the toilet clog strikes again! Quickly lift yourself above the clog and land across the hallway. Flush it clean! Take the helicopter lid off to play pool with your friends. Play basketball while relieving yourself overhead. If none of this makes sense, that’s ok. Just buy it and see what shows up!

8. Keytar for $39.99. Play rock songs on the beach! Ride your bicycle with it in the middle of the city! Practice elevator karaoke skills! These eight keys are easy to master, perfect for children, small adults, and hobbits. Practice the hit single “Lion Named Christopher.” Includes microphone extension.

9. Gun Bird Feeder for $79.99. Invite pigeons to your backyard for target practice! Fill this bulletproof gun with seeds, spray some birdseed paint all over your targets, load it with ammunition, aim, shoot at point blank range, watch them flock away flapping their wings and peck frantically at bullets, reload, repeat! Perfect for those who hate birds.

10. Teleporter for $99.95. Step into this closet and disappear! Choose the teleport settings from “Home,” “To the Grocery Store,” “Mexico Beach Vacation,” “Hallway Closet,” “Mom’s Bedroom,” and more! Choose your destinations wisely, you only have 3 lives left on this coupon code!

These and hundreds more amazing deals are on Amazon, so log into your account NOW and BUY THINGS. Register a new customer at the ZZZZZonky Store ASAP and claim FREE 84-hour SHIPPING TODAY! Life your MAXXED LIFE now!