Why “You’ll Own Nothing and Be Happy” Doesn’t Go Far Enough

You hear a lot about owning nothing and being happy these days. And while I respect the sentiment, I feel it doesn’t go far enough. Let me explain.

I’m Markus Sbackson III, and I’m here to tell you that you can own less than nothing and be happier than even me. I own seven cars, did you know that? And do you see that house? That’s one of seven I own on this block alone. But let me tell you a little secret: You don’t have to own things to use them. Here are 10 ways you can enjoy life without silly things like property rights or human dignity.

1. Squatting. I know squatting sounds illegal and gross, but it’s actually a sustainable and ethical way to live. Just find an empty apartment building or house and move in. Who needs to pay rent?

2. Sleeping in tents. Camping in nature may be overrated, but camping in a tent on the street is affordable, easy, comfortable, and a great way to meet new people. Try it, you’ll love it!

3. Panhandling. This is the simplest form of labour, and it doesn’t hurt to make other people help. Some of my best times have been spent with panhandlers, drinking the blues away. (Of course, I bring bodyguards and don’t overstay my welcome.)

4. Support Government programs. You know who the “entitled” person is in an Entitlement Program? It could be you, my friend! The Government will give you all sorts of stuff, in exchange for being a good citizen. It’s a win-win!

5. Stealing from other poor people. You may have heard that people in rich areas have “better pickings.” Not true. Plus, we probably have guard dogs. Stealing from other poor people is easier, more convenient, and more lucrative than stealing from rich people like me.

6. Selling all your possessions. You know what’s better than owning things? Owning money! With enough money at your disposal, you can rent anything you’ve ever dreamed of owning, all without the hassle and paperwork that comes with ownership.

7. Going to protests. Protesters have cool tents and free food, and it feels great to do something important. Plus, if you get arrested, you can get free lodging and healthcare!

8. Using communal facilities. Communes and intentional communities offer access to shared amenities like showers, toilets, and even kitchens. It’s like a vacation every day!

9. Taking up hitchhiking. Riding the train is overrated. Hitchhiking is an exciting and unpredictable way to travel, and you never know what great people you might meet!

10. Mindfulness. Owning less than nothing means you have a lot of time on your hands. Use it to relax, read, meditate, or take a nap. It’s not like you’re going anywhere, anyway.

So there you have it! Live simple, live free, own less than nothing, and be delirious with pleasure.