Want to Move Out of the City? DON’T: Here’s Eight Guilt Trips to Convince You to Stay

Hi everyone, it’s Markus Sbackson III again! I’m writing another thought-provoking piece that I hope will inspire you all to think differently, and betterly, about how you live your lives.

I’m not one to beat around the bush, so here’s the truth: Moving to the country is not only unethical, it’s downright unsustainable. Why? Because it goes against everything I learned at Harvard.

Yes, I’m back to that topic again. You see, living in a suburb or rural area simply cannot compete with living in a densely packed, environmentally responsible apartment building in a cool place for cool people like Manhattan. If my many haters would stop and think about it, I’m sure they would agree.

Here are 8 reasons why moving to the country is unethical:

1. Energy consumption: Did you know that a typical suburban household uses eighty times as much energy as a large apartment building in a city? And when you factor in the pollution created by the transportation needed to get to and from a suburban McMansion or rural home, you see that you’re literally killing everyone with your lifestyle.

2. Transportation: Speaking of transportation, rural areas typically require more vehicles on the road, which means more emissions. And did you know that the average car produces 128 pounds of carbon dioxide every day? Thank about that – how would you like to be trapped under that for a while? You wouldn’t.

3. Culture: When you move to the country, you give up the richness of city life, which includes art museums, concerts, and theater. And you think it’s easy to have a real conversation with your neighbors? Have you met any country people? The less said, the better.

4. Medical/Mental Health Care: Rural areas typically have fewer medical facilities and fewer mental health care professionals, which means you may have a harder time getting the care you need. And while it may sound romantic to go outside and take a walk when you feel sad, it’s just not practical. Outside is dumb. You need to be paying an expert to make you feel better, not walking around amongst some boring trees that smell weird.

5. Disconnection from social media and websites: Living in a rural area means you’re disconnected from the internet, which means you may have a harder time posting on Instagram or arguing with random strangers on the internet. And let’s face it, that’s more important than anything.

6. Family Isolation from community: When you live in an area with a lot of “space,” your family is able to throw off the shackles of the community, which should be raising your child. If you live outside the city, your child will be raised in a community chock full of deplorables, and will wind up falling victim to misinformation.

7. Cows: If you want cows, get a dog. Or better yet, just don’t get a cow. They produce methane and fart in bed.

8. Personal Space is unethical: Privacy is an illusion, and anyone who argues otherwise is just wrong. Living in the suburbs means your neighbors can probably see into your kitchen anyway. You don’t need privacy. What are you doing that you need privacy? Not good things, that’s for sure.

So there you have it, haters: Move back into the city. Join some community outreach groups. Take the bus. Be kind to other people for once, and accept the safe loving embrace of the diverse, caring, and ethical community you only find in big cities.