It’s 2023 – Why Are We Still Using the Term “Bullet” Points?

It’s 20-fricking-23, so can someone please tell me why the hell do people keep referring to items listed in an organized manner as “bullet” points? When did this term become commonplace? Was it started by Hitler, whose soldiers would fire evil bullets? Most likely.

And more importantly, why hasn’t this violent term been updated yet by you woke freaks? Surely there must be some better alternatives by now. Let’s take a look at twenty-eight (and one bonus) less harmful words that should be used instead of “bullet” points:

1. Listicle: A popular word among hip millennial writers like myself because it means you get to use both numbers and writing, so why not? It sounds cooler than just listing stuff. “Listicle.” Sounds yummy.

2. Catalog: Makes your document sound classy, like you’re organizing fine art or wine, rather than random thoughts. Plus, who doesn’t love an organized catalogue? *See item 9 for the irony here*

3. Agenda: Very official-sounding; perfect if you want to convince someone you mean business! Also great when attending meetings with “agendas” on how they should live their lives. (Note: Do NOT use this word in front of people with anxiety.)

4. Directory: Sounds powerful and important, even though it really just means a collection of items listed in alphabetical order. It can also be a metaphorical term nowadays – like having friends or followers you keep tabs on via an online directory. Double win!

5. Inventory: Perfect for shopaholics who love keeping track of what new crap they now own; also makes your document sound like an official countdown rather than something that’s meant to make them do work.

6. Index: If I had to guess, the word comes from indexing books but could mean any kind of guide or table of contents. Just don’t confuse this with searching for information about porn stars because Google will show you images instead. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

7. Register: This one sounds very bureaucratic and legal – getting married or buying a house requires registering nowadays, right? Plus, it means you can cross things off as completed on your list! Who doesn’t love crossing stuff off?

8. Agenda (again): See number two; double use makes everything better! *This time without anxiety triggers*

9. Catalogue (with the u): Another variation that adds some flair to an otherwise mundane term like listing items in order. Perfect for fashion bloggers who want their outfits organized by color palette instead of just “alphabetical list of clothes.”

10. Menu: Great if food is involved because everyone loves a good menu – even when they don’t have to choose what to eat, they still enjoy looking at food options. It’s like the experience of eating at Taco Cabana, but it’s still just a list.

11. Queue: This one implies waiting and order; so, perfect for ordering takeout or online shopping lists where you might as well wait around all day while your package arrives. Also great for concerts or movie lines. Plus, you just learned how to spell this word!

12. Shark Heads: Ok, hear me out on this one. What if we called them “shark heads”? Who would object to this?

13. Prospectus: Very business-like sounding which is why they mostly use it in investment documents. It also sounds important enough to convince people that whatever’s written here will change their lives forever. Or at least give them something solid to read about instead of a “bullet point,” which could murder them.

14. Itinerary: Travelers love this one because planning trips involves lots of little dots; perfect for vacation planners or those who want an organized list without the violence connotation!

15. Manifesto: If you have strong opinions, turn your list into a manifesto and watch engagement skyrocket! Also makes everything sound like a rallying cry rather than just tasks to be completed on a random Tuesday morning.

16. Syllabus: Perfect if there’s homework involved – students will appreciate being able to organize their studies by weeks instead of “bullet points.” (Or don’t use this word at all because syllabi suck worse than ammunition)

17. Non-numbered list: Clunky terms for things are back in style, thanks to young people wanting to remove all triggers from the English language. Bonus for being technically correct.

18. Hierarchy: If you want your list to look important, this one does wonders! It implies a chain of command or something that needs organizing from the top down. Plus, no one likes hierarchies unless they have power over others; which means there’s always some conflict involved – hich makes for great comments section material.

19. Chronology: Great if time is an issue because chronological order sounds better than random dots in any context. Perfect for planning events or creating historical timelines without having to use objects that murder people.

20. Agenda (again): Third use and final; let the repetition serve as emphasis, instead of indicating boredom or a lack of ideas. Triple win! *No anxiety triggers*

21. Checklist: Very straightforward and simple, perfect when you want something that doesn’t require thinking too much but still feels like a step forward. Plus, checking things off makes it even more satisfying – just don’t confuse this with grocery shopping lists because no one wants to buy broccoli again, after last time.

22. Bibliography: This is what bibliophiles live for so use it if your list involves books or sources; also sounds academic which means people will take you seriously for once!

23. Rubber Bullet Points: When your list needs a twinge of violence but no twinges of murder, try the reduced danger level provided by rubber bullets. Also doesn’t hurt that “rubber” is a fun and bouncy word.

24. Timeline: Great if there are dates involved because timelines make everything seem more official than just a random collection of thoughts scribbled onto paper by some lunatic. Also helps keep track of events like birthdays or anniversaries which makes you look prepared instead of “spontaneous.”

25. Protocol: This one sounds formal enough for government documents but also means rules; perfect when trying to sound important without actually being so. Just don’t confuse it with Snapchat filters, that would be very unfortunate indeed. (I don’t know why you would)

26. Syllabus (again): Yes, another double use-see number sixteen! Or, better yet – just keep reading!

27. Agenda (again): Almost at the end and fourth time’s a charm because now we have an ironic tone to our voice. Plus, this term is less triggering than “bullet point” since no one has ever been shot by attending meetings or listening to speeches about how their lives should change.

28. Dippin’ Dots: The so-called “ice cream of the future” wouldn’t mind the advertising, and you won’t mind the non-problematic term for a list without numbers.

Bonus: Bullet Journal: this actually means something specific nowadays but works as a joke because everyone thinks they’re artistic when using a notebook filled with bullets and washi tape, despite the fact that buying one doesn’t make you an artist or creative person. Plus, no violence is involved in bullet journals, which is great since we already established how bad “bullet point” sounds these days. It also helps if you want to write poetry on blank pages after finishing your list; just don’t forget pens and colored ink!

I am insane now. I am writing on this site and I don’t know how to stop. THE JEFF, out.