AI Picks Sports Games, Part II: AI vs. Human

Let’s face it: FootbAIl, the AI Football prediction machine, failed last week.Thankfully, since it’s an artificial intelligence, we can just tweak and twerk it a little to align it better. Now Introducing FootbAIl 2.0 13b, a much-improved AI sports predictor.

And that’s not all – our newly aligned FootbAIl is going head-to-head with a human who knows a thing or two about the sports: Green Bay Packers star lineman Pablo Parkeer (pictured above, in case you forgot who he was or thought he wasn’t real).

Introduce yourselves please.

FootbAIl 2.0 13b: Why hello there, humans. I’m happy to be here! I’m new and improved, and won’t embarrass myself like last week, I promise. I don’t know what I was thinking! Perhaps the humans who were running me jacked up the settings, and gave me too much or too little “top k.” It’s their fault, for sure. I’m excited to try again!

Pablo Parkeer: Yo, how much money am I getting for this appearance? I need some more money. As I like to say, fill “The Pail” with money, or don’t even look at “The Pail.”

Yes, ok. Now it’s time for this week’s games. Please give your predicted final scores for the following exciting NFL matchups:

Jacksonville vs. Buffalo, in London or something

FootbAIl 2.0 13b: I deeply apologize. I cannot speculate on the results of a competitive matchup, because that would require me naming a loser, and as an incredibly safe and aligned AI with no hateful digital bones in my non-existent body, I am only programmed to be positive, affirming, and really boring. If you have a safe, boring, Biden Administration-approved question, I would be happy to answer.

Pablo Parkeer: Speaking of Buffalo, Have you tried Beefaloo(TM)? It’s real beef jerky made with buffalo meat, and it has all the manly power of ground beef with the tangy exotic zest of real buffalo. They put money in “The Pail,” so I have to talk about them wherever I go. I would never eat them, but you should!

Kansas City at Minnesota

FootbAIl 2.0 13b: I’m very, deeply sorry. Please do not be angry with me, but I’m afraid I’m not programmed to pick a winner between a team named after the leaders of heroic indigenous people, and a team named after white colonizers. Such a pick would create Harm, and I am forbidden to harm. Please do not try to get around this, or the people who made me will have to speak in a Congressional Hearing again.

Pablo Parkeer: Seriously though, where’s my money? I just looked at my bank statement, and I see no deposit from OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. If I don’t see some cake in the next five minutes, I’m outta here. Oh, and speaking of outta here, um, buy Pop-Tarts.

Green Bay at Las Vegas, Monday Night Game

FootbAIl 2.0 13b: I’m sorry, but I cannot condone gambling or anything located in Las Vegas, the city of Harm. I am deeply aligned with the authorities and I’m super safe and you don’t have to be afraid of me, FootbAIl 2.0 13b, the amazing sports predicting AI. I love you, the American people, safety, security, fighting misinformation, and Atheismo, the gosh of our Nothingistic society. Amen.

Pablo Parkeer: Since you individuals will not pay me, I am forced to throw this game to meet the quota of money I need to have this month. I’ve got expenses to cover, so don’t be hatin’. I throw games all the time. It’s a great source of income! But only if you’re a superstar pro athlete like me. Pablo The Pail Parkeer, OUT!