OJ WOLFSMASHER EXCLUSIVE!! An Interview with the Time-Traveling Being Responsible for Changing Turkey to Turkiye

OJ Wolfsmasher: I was sitting at home one night, minding my own business on the internet, when I came across something strange. A headline: “More earthquake survivors found in Turkiye, Syria.”

I thought, hmm…I’ve never heard of that Syrian city. What a strange name. Turkiye. Little did I know how strange it was. You see, it’s not a city at all. It’s actually Turkey – you know, the country. I looked into it, because it seemed more than a little fishy that we just changed the name of a whole country seemingly overnight.

And Turkiye? That’s not even how “y’s” work.

Then I received a mysterious text message from the being I’m interviewing today, that promised to explain it all. Do I think it’s weird that beings are reading my thoughts and blowing up my phone over them? Yes. Can I pass up the opportunity to get to the bottom of this Turkiye thing? Hell no.

The being does not want to provide their name, but would rather be called by their job title, Actuality Interrupter.

Actuality Interrupter: Well, thanks for having me, but I must correct you on a couple of things already. First of all, it’s not that I don’t want to use my name, it’s that I exist in a world that is post-names. It’s also post-speech, so I am happy to write in your 21^st century American English, though I am using a tool to translate my thoughts to text, so there may be some hiccups. I’m suddenly unsure – is hiccups the right word for this? Random unforseen problems?

OJ: Yes, it works just fine. I understand.

AI: Ok, great. And let me correct one more thing – we weren’t reading your thoughts. That’s just silly. We read the article you wrote about it.

OJ: Ahh, that’s strange. I haven’t written anything on the subject of Turkiye.

AI: You did, actually. In your future, and my past. I’m from the future, you see. The year 2525.

OJ: I suppose I should ask if man is still alive. (chuckles uncontrollably for a while)

AI: Are you done? I understand that reference. It is difficult to answer that question in a way that you will understand. Is man still alive? Yes, but probably not in the way you would think. It doesn’t matter anyway. I’m here to talk Turkiye.

OJ: “Talk Turkey” – very nice. Anyway, in your message, you promised to “explain it all.” So, here is your opportunity. Why did Turkey become Turkiye?

AI: Well, in your timeline as it stands right now, the Turkish delegation to the UN formally requested the name change or something. It doesn’t matter. That’s just a cover story. The real story is that someone from my office (who will remain nameless, because remember, we are a post-name society) thought he could just change it in the system, and none of you would notice.

OJ: That’s a pretty obvious change.

AI: Yes, but that’s what we do around here, as Actuality Interrupters. We’ve changed many things for many centuries without anyone noticing. Playing fast and loose with reality is what we do. But no, people noticed this time because, well, the fabric of reality itself is broken. By us – it’s totally our fault. Are you aware of the Mandela Effect?

OJ: Yes, that’s where something you remember happening in the past is revealed to be not quite as you remember it, right?

AI: Ah, sure. It’s named after Nelson Mandela, a man some of you humans remember having actually died in a prison in your 1980’s. But lo and behold, he didn’t actually die. He survived prison, and lived until 2013. Yeah, that was our first fuck-up. One of the new hires decided, completely on her own, that he needed to die. Obviously, that was a dumb idea. So I had to fix it, as I had done so many times before.

OJ: Fix it?

AI: Yes, change reality so it didn’t happen. Easy, if you understand the nature of things, and have the right tools. Except this time, to everyone’s surprise, it didn’t take. Some of your fellow humans remembered the old timeline. This resulted in a lot of…what’s the word? Flooberknockle? It’s like panic, but with way more screaming.

OJ: Wow, that sounds pretty dramatic. So if I’m hearing you correctly, your claim is that the Mandela Effect is…real?

AI: “Claim” lol. Right, I keep forgetting your perspective, and you have no reason to trust me. Anyway, long story short…since the Mandela thing, reality is broken, and everything we do breaks it worse. And now, we can’t even manage to correct countries that somehow got named after birds.

OJ: This is all…it’s a lot to take in, Actuality Interrupter. So the Berenstain Bears thing?

AI: Yep. You remember correctly – originally they were Berenstein, until one of my colleagues thought that sounded “a little too jew-y.” Don’t know why he thought Berenstain sounded better – that’s not even a real name anyone has. Er, had.

OJ: So the Mandela Effect is real. Wow, I’m flabbergasted. This is a bombshell that could change everything we know about reality…and it’s only here on OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM! But why are you telling this to me, a fake website person?

AI: Well, you know your Psychedelic Furs thing? That thing that only you remember?

OJ: Are you referring to the fact that I distinctly remember the song “Turning Japanese” (that was all over MTV) being sung by the Psychedelic Furs, and not The Vapors or whomever actually ended up singing it.

AI: Yeah, “The Vapors.” Someone was trying to be funny there. Kind of a dead giveaway, but we were cocky back then and thought nobody would ever notice.

OJ: Yeah, so in the 90’s I distinctly remember being at a bar with a trivia contest where you could win prizes. One of the questions was who sung that song, the Turning Japanese one. I remember thinking the Psychedelic Furs, of course. I remember that being the correct answer, and someone winning. But the memory is real hazy, almost dream-like.

AI: Heh. “Dream-like.” Pretty good for something nobody else remembers, and you shouldn’t even remember at all, under the laws of physical reality as we know them.

OJ: Is that why you contacted me? Because I remember that one specific detail about a song that was literally every fifth video on MTV when it started?

AI: Yes, at first, we were going to just erase you. But our bosses seem to think that breaks things even more, so we are changing our strategy. You see, your website is totally fake, right?

OJ: Tell me about it. Nothing faker in this world, and proud of it.

AI: Neat. But the Psychedelic Furs thing – that’s real, correct? You, the person typing this fake interview, actually had that experience.

OJ: Um…

AI: So I got the idea that maybe, just maybe, if we took the broken current reality and got you to reveal this totally real thing on this totally fake website…it might cancel each other out? And we can get back to changing the names of places that were erroneously named after birds or chicken dishes.

OJ: Is that supposed to be a Kiev reference?

AI: Kyiv. It’s called Kyiv. I don’t care how “y’s” work. It was always Kyiv. Dang it, I don’t think it worked. You still remember it being Kiev?

OJ: Of course.

AI: And who was the lead singer for Van Halen?

OJ: What? Uh…that guy, David Lee Roth. Oh, and Sammy Hagar. And Gary Cherone for like five minutes….

AI: But not anyone else? Someone whose name might rhyme with, um, Bavril Beveen?

OJ: No, Avril Lavigne never was the lead singer for Van Halen.

AI: Ok, great! Nature is healing, if just a little bit. Very happy right now, that I didn’t decide to erase you. I’ll be in touch, OJ! (time-teleports away)

OJ: Well, that was unsettling. Is every interview on this site going to be like this? And who am I talking to?

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