Five Things You Shouldn’t Try to Do in Your Tesla

With the news that the Biden Administration wants all cars to be electrical by 2030, it’s apparent that we’re all going to be driving Teslas soon. This is great for the environment, but there are a few important things you should know about Teslas. Take it from me – you don’t want to get caught in these common Tesla traps. They’re not, after all, real cars.

Five things you shouldn’t try to do in your Tesla:

1) Drive from America to Tajikistan

Since Teslas are space-age techno-machines built by the Ultimate Tech Bro, you might be tempted to think they can fly. But take it from me, they can’t. They can’t even swim! Save yourself some trouble and embarrassment and take your private jet or helicopter instead.

2) “Phase through” pedestrians

Another myth about Teslas is that they can become incorporeal when coming into contact with human beings, thus making self-driving cars a possibility. However, when you run over people, they will get injured. Trust me, it’s not worth the lawsuits and body shop bills. Stay safe and use the steering wheel!

3) Have your bodyguards pick it up and throw it at people.

While it’s true that Teslas aren’t real cars, and are significantly lighter than, say, a Porsche – they aren’t particularly sturdy or aerodynamic. If you throw them, they will scratch, dent, and crumble like any other automobile. Have people who are bothering you? Choose another way to deal with them, no matter how fun it might be to use your car as a projectile.

4) Eat Strottarga Bianco caviar

We all have some caviar lying around the house, but don’t try to eat Strottarga Bianco caviar in your Tesla. Why not, you ask? Well, Tesla seats are coated with a special agent that, when coming into contact with Strottarga Bianco caviar, will fill your Tesla with extremely toxic fumes. It will cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to get it cleaned and fumigated, or you’ll die a horrible stinky death.

5) Invest in crypto scams, or commit crimes

Being inside a state-of-the-art car doesn’t mean that you can just do whatever and have it work out for you. Some people believe in the so-called “Tesla Immunity,” which means that they can’t suffer ill consequences from anything they do while in a Tesla. While intuitively true, it’s actually false. There is no “tech bro unreality field” that protects you while inside one of these technologically advanced, yet still mundane, cars. Soon, perhaps, but not today.

Now you know exactly what not to do in a Tesla. Aren’t you glad you clicked on this clickbait? You’re way smarter now!