Five Things You Can Do to Prepare for the Inevitable Government Shutdown

You know, it seems like those jokers in the United States government are always on the verge of a shutdown for one reason or another. Rather than being caught off-guard by it this time, why don’t you try planning for it, like I do? Here are five actions you can take to live it up this government shutdown.

1) Buy lots and lots of toilet paper.

You notice that whenever society feels a little stress, all the toilet paper disappears off the store shelves, as if taken by elves. Have you ever wonder why this is? Well, smart people know that when the government shuts down, our currency loses all value, because no government = no money. At that point, the most valuable commodity in the world will be TP for your bunghole, believe me. So get your butt to Walgreens, and grab as much of the cooshy stuff as you can fit in-between your arms. And don’t worry about squeezing the Charmin; when the government shuts down for real, Mr. Whipple will be the least of your problems.

2) Join Antifa

When the poopoo hits the fan, you’re gonna want some comrades that have your back. Being a literal hate mob, the anarchist communist socialist organization called Antifa will fit that bill quite nicely. Just go to your local Antifa office and sign up! All you need is a weapon of some sort and something to obscure your face, and boom! You’ve got thousands of angry people who are ready to go to war for you!

3) Also join Fa

During the government shutdown, there will be a lot of uncertainty. You’re gonna want to hedge your bets. After joining Antifa and forming a couple of CHAZ’s, head on over to their mortal enemies, “Fa.” I mean, if there’s an Antifa, there has to be a “Fa” to be anti, right? Anyway, when the inevitable backlash comes and Antifa is put on a space rocket and shot into the sun, you can pretend like you hated them all along. It’s a win-win!

4) Two words: Beef jerky

You know what is packed with protein, never disappoints your taste buds, and keeps for decades? That’s right, beef jerky. Don’t let the name fool you, beef jerky isn’t for jerks. It gets that name because it’s “jerked” out of the cow at exactly the right moment to maximize taste. It’s the perfect food for hunkering down in your bunker and keeping an eye on the inevitable mob of CHUDs forming underground.

5) Joe Biden Poster

If he ends up being the hero, then everybody will love you for having a poster of our lovable elderly leader-person. If he ends up being the guy who ruins America for good, then you have something at which the same people can throw tomatoes. Either way, you’re the coolest guy in the wastelands.

So, now you have no excuses. Don’t be like those huddled masses yearning to be free; you can be free without huddling or being a mass. It’s government shutdown time, baby!