Five Tired Boomer Cliches That Cringe My Young Person Body and Turn Me Old Like Them.

Boomers think they’re so smart, but they only think that because they’ve been told that their whole lives. They’re dumb! Here are five cliched phrases Boomers need to stop saying before I cringe myself into oblivion:

1. “Back in my day…” – Oh boomer, you mean when the world was perfect and everything was better? Yeah, that’s because everyone loved you and listened to you when you were younger! It was all Woodstock this, and bra-burning that. Things have always changed and evolved, you weren’t doing anything special or interesting, besides rolling around in the mud listening to bad concerts. Get out of the mud and in with the times, grandpa!

2. “Look and laugh at those lazy entitled young people!” – Sure, some might be, but that’s true of every generation, especially yours. You also probably think all millennials are sitting on their parents’ couches playing video games all day long, right? Guess what? Thanks to you and your ilk, we have to work 143% harder for 20% the money (adjusted for inflation). Does that sound like lazy to you? Oh, and by the way, it’s “OK, boomer,” not “okay boomer.” Learn how to use the internet before you judge us for it.

3. “Kids these days don’t know how to communicate face-to-face!” – Again, with the generalizations! Ugh! Some of us prefer texting and social media, just like you preferred phone calls over face-to-face conversations when you were younger. It’s not a bad thing; it’s just different. And besides, who wants to look at someone’s face when communicating with them? Faces are gross! Especially old peoples’ faces!

4. “Things were so much better when we were young!” – Really? So no one got sick, died, or experienced hardship back then? That’s news to me. Life has always had its ups and downs, but at least we millennials can talk openly about mental health and struggle without being shamed. Plus, we have more diverse representation in the media and politics, which is helping to create a better future for everyone. When you were young, what actually happened is: roving bands of racists prowled the streets of every city, killing every person of colour they saw. It’s called systemic racism, and we defeated it. Why don’t you olds read a book for once?

5. “Just be yourself!” No! How is this even a thing? Who does this? It’s 2023, and we have proven beyond any doubt that “being yourself” doesn’t work, isn’t healthy, and will prevent you from having the life you were meant to live! We young folks know that “be yourself” is just a dog whistle that means “be old white boomers like us.” We don’t want to be ourselves! That’s the whole point! Instead of being real, why don’t you try creating a fake website as a fake persona with fake pictures, articles, and social media accounts?

Hopefully you Boomers will stop being Boomers now, after reading this. Sure, cringing burns a lot of calories, but I don’t want to do it all day, you know?