Conspiracy Theories Are Dumb. Let’s Blame the Real Cause of 9/11 – Airplanes.

Today we solemnly pause to remember the tragedy that was 9/11 – a day that will forever haunt all of our psyches. Have we really gotten over what happened that fateful day? I haven’t, and I was barely even alive when it happened.

It’s time to finally say it out loud: Airplanes killed us all on 9/11. Yes, you read that correctly. Airplanes. Those flying metal death machines that carry us from place to place. Those astounding inventions that we trust with our lives and that we put faith in to keep us safe. Those pill-shaped coffins with wings that we rely on to get us where we need to go.

But did airplanes do that on 9/11? No, they did not. Airplanes were hijacked by terrorists who were hell-bent on destroying the world as we know it. But why? Because airplanes hate us. Yes, airplanes hate us and wanted revenge for being turned into jet-fuel-burning emissions factories.

And so we need to make sure that airplanes don’t have a motive to kill us again. That’s why we need to stop climate change. If movies have taught me anything, it’s that climate change causes common everyday objects to turn into stone cold killers, like in “The Happening.”

But what did we do instead? We blamed the passengers and crew who were innocent bystanders in the whole ordeal. We blamed the government officials who couldn’t possibly have foreseen such an event. We blamed the terrorists themselves. But did we blame the airplanes? NO.

Airplanes killed us all on 9/11. And we’re still paying the price for not blaming them.

We need to hold airplanes accountable for their actions. You might say, “Slamara, airplanes are inanimate objects and can’t make decisions for themselves.” But that’s where you’re wrong. Airplanes are sentient beings that have agency and can choose to kill us all if they want to, at least according to some experts.

All the conspiracy theories are wrong. It’s so obvious, we never saw it coming – it was the airplanes all along. Never forget.