In a move that has left scientists, immigration officials, and leftists on Bluesky equally confused, President Trump has signed an executive order funding research into \u201ctele-deportation\u201d \u2014 a mysterious process he insists will \u201cinstantly ship illegal aliens off the planet like we currently do to ghosts.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The order, titled \u201cExecutive Order on Accelerating Border Security Through Quantum Immigration Solutions,” was announced during a rally in Texas, where Trump waved a glowing tablet and declared, \u201cWe\u2019re not building walls anymore. We\u2019re building portals. Tremendous portals. And they\u2019ll be so fast, you\u2019ll see bad hombres vanishing faster than Nancy Pelosi’s stocks a day before their price drops.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The Vague Science (Or Lack Thereof)<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n According to the order, federal agencies must \u201cexplore all avenues\u201d of teleportation technology to deport undocumented immigrants. The plan allegedly involves \u201charnessing the power of tiny, very angry lasers\u201d and partnering with \u201ctop-secret hackers, even Russian or Chinese ones if necessary\u201d \u2014 a nod to Trump\u2019s long-standing belief that Russia could \u201cwin the deportation game.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019ve been studying teleporters my whole life,\u201d Trump claimed, flanked by a prototype that looked like a disco ball hot glued to a tanning bed. \u201cBelieve me, it\u2019s easy. Like when you\u2019re playing Mario Kart and you hit a warp pipe. Except instead of Koopa Troopas, we\u2019re sending bad guys to a place called \u2018Narnia.\u2019 They\u2019ll love it. Very cold. Very windy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Reactions Range From \u201cWTF?\u201d to \u201cPlease Don\u2019t.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n – Dr. Emily Carter, Quantum Physicist:<\/strong> \u201cThis is either the most genius idea ever or proof that Trump has been binge-watching *Star Trek* on a loop. Either way, teleporting humans violates every known law of physics. Also, Narnia doesn\u2019t exist. Stop it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n – ICE Director Tommy \u201cBananas\u201d Mulvaney:<\/strong> \u201cSir, we\u2019re already stretched thin trying to catch people sneaking in through the sewers. Do you know how many rat tunnels we\u2019ve had to close? Tele-deportation would save time\u2026 until everyone\u2019s *Quantum Leap*-ing back in. Trust me, it\u2019s a nightmare.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n – White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt:<\/strong> \u201cThis order is a bold leap toward making America great again \u2014 literally! Tele-deportation will also create 10 million jobs in the futuristic \u2018portal industry.\u2019 The Deep State just doesn\u2019t get innovation.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Social Media Melts Down<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n Twitter users quickly seized on the absurdity:<\/p>\n\n\n\n – @PixelPugAltAccount9:<\/strong> <\/em>\u201cTrump\u2019s new deportation plan is just him trying to recreate that scene from Back to the Future Part II where Marty goes to the future. \u2018Hey, Doc\u2014send these guys to 2030!\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n – @ScienceDude420:<\/em><\/strong> \u201cTeleportation requires reversing entropy, which would age deportees to dust. Also, Russia already tried this and sent a sheep to Urkutsk. It was not happy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n – @Melania2024<\/strong>: Posts a selfie with a dog wearing a \u201cLock Her Up\u201d collar.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n The Fine Print<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n The order includes $2 billion in funding for \u201cphases 1\u20135\u201d of teleportation research, with Phase 6 tentatively titled \u201cFixing Glitches Where People Accidentally Teleport to Walmart.\u201d Critics argue the plan ignores practical issues, like:<\/p>\n\n\n\n – What happens to deportees\u2019 belongings? (\u201cThey\u2019ll magically appear in Narnia. MAGA!\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n – How to prevent citizens from teleporting for leisure. (\u201cOnly illegal aliens. Trust me, nobody will want to do this.\u201d)<\/p>\n\n\n\n **Final Thought**<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n As Trump tweeted later: \u201cTele-deportation is going to be sooo big. bigger than Twitter. bigger than Labubus. Thank you, NASA, for nothing!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n —<\/p>\n\n\n\n Jane Canada is a hack writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. Her work has been described as \u201cthe emotional support animal of clickbait journalism.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cIt\u2019s faster than a bullet train, folks!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":15,"featured_media":1860,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_import_markdown_pro_load_document_selector":0,"_import_markdown_pro_submit_text_textarea":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[79,12,13,10,172,72],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1859","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-apologies","category-celebs","category-culture","category-finance","category-politics","category-tech"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1859","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/15"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1859"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1859\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1861,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1859\/revisions\/1861"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1860"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1859"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1859"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/ojwolfsmasher.com\/wp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1859"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}